Pabu's Machinations
by A Voice in the Desert
Summary: Bolin was just a stepping-stone for a certain young fire ferret. A stepping-stone to world domination…and more noodles! The real story of how Bolin found Pabu…or something like that at least. Crack!fic


**So this isn't my usual genre or writing style, but I had a crazy idea and thought I'd run with it. Who knows if I succeeded in being anything other than ridiculous. If it helps, imagine Pabu with a monocle and smoking a pipe while reading this...at least I did.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own LoK, don't claim to, and don't make any money off of it. Please don't sue.**

* * *

**Pabu's Machinations**

_By: Toph's Hammer_

My quest for world domination started one gloomy, Republic City evening. For once it wasn't raining, but the slate gray sky was rumbling ominously and the air was thick and cloying. As usual, I was perched on my throne of empty noodle boxes (vintage, the lot of them), when a slightly pudgy, dark haired boy and his brother threw themselves down on the ground next to me. The younger boy was teary-eyed (which, as I soon learned, was more the norm than the exception), and sniffling. Apparently he was hungry and cold.

I turned away and curled up, purposing to ignore this new nuisance and to try and get my beauty sleep (not like I needed it).

A few minutes later, the crying suddenly stopped. Curious, I glanced over at the boy and found him eyeing the half-filled box of egg noodles and dumplings I had been saving for later. He reached out a probing hand toward the food.

Naturally, I hissed at him, daring him to come any nearer to my prize. The dour boy—apparently the smarter one—eyed me critically, "I don't think you want to mess with him, Bolin. He looks rabid."

_Rabid!_ _The nerve of these people!_ Perhaps my rather gracious judgment was too hasty. There was simply no way he could see my carefully groomed, lustrous pelt and noble upbringing and think that I could be effected by such a _common_ illness! So what if one of those infernal Satomobile contraptions splashed me this morning? I am generally very well groomed and am certainly better looking than him! His clothing was ragged and one of his boots had a hole in its toe…and that bright red scarf? It looks ridiculous! Perhaps he was a performer of some kind?

"But he looks sooooo lonely," the younger boy said, his eyes getting wide. _Oh no…I think he's going to cry again. _"Maybe he needs a friend?"

"Bo—"

Suddenly I felt myself being lifted off the ground as the boy grasped me around the shoulders and squeezed me to his chest. Instinctively, I kicked and clawed at my captor but to no avail! Clearly these miscreants meant to capture me and force me into service as a member of their traveling circus!

Well I'll have you know that I do not show my Ladder of Peril routine to just anyone! Any distinguished fire ferret such as myself is naturally gifted with such a skill, but it is not for show! It is a very important mating ritual that I will not be demonstrating, thank you very much.

"Mako!" Apparently that was the other boy's name. "Can we keep him? Pleeeassssee?"

On second thought, maybe they weren't planning to take me to the circus and use me for my acrobatic skills…hmmmmmm.

Bolin's grimy face, dirty hands, and sniveling nose were nauseating, and yet…I felt the spark of an idea forming in the back of my mind. Yes….yes…this actually could work!

Tentatively, and I couldn't believe I was actually considering doing this, I licked his cheek. It was absolutely repulsive and tasted like a combination of week old noodles, dried mud, and salty tears. But it accomplished my purpose.

The boy nearly squealed with delight and hugged me tighter.

"See Mako? He's all right! Can we keep him?"

"Well…" his brother seemed to be sizing me up, wondering if I was worth the trouble of keeping around. I knew this called for drastic action, so I nuzzled Bolin's face again. _Gross. I'm going to need another bath after this._

The look on Bolin's face was priceless—the quivering lower lip, wide green eyes, and slightly matted hair were the epitome of pitifulness. If I didn't know better, I'd think he might actually have a future as a performer. Drat…well there was no going back.

Mako, however, looked torn but I knew I'd won.

Bolin's exultant cry pierced my ears and it takes all my willpower to stay in his arms. "I'm going to call him Pabu!" he exclaims excitedly.

Pabu…I rolled the name around on my tongue. It was a strong name, a name worthy of a fire ferret as regal as myself. I decided it would suffice. After all, a king occasionally needs to pander to his supplicants. Maybe I'll even share some noodles with him when I'm named Emperor. Besides, every ruler needs a fool, and he seemed like a worthy applicant.

But now that my plan was in motion I must rest. World domination takes a lot out of even the sturdiest individuals. I nipped Bolin's hand. _Fetch me some noodles._

* * *

**Let me know if you liked it...or if you didn't!**


End file.
